The Black Dog bites

Variety of things have happened lately. Good and bad, but , the bad is winning in this head of mine and tonight I feel the black dog nipping at my heels.

* good Things:

Friend across from Canada for three weeks, we've been like Japanese tourists on speed , whizzing around Scotland, inc a few islands.

Another friend has a new relationship, and seems happy. I hope they get the joy they have been searching for.

I'm being out sourced for one of my hospital appointment to one of the private hospitals

The Bad Things:

Said friend has unfriended me on FB , doesn't speak etc as I've seemingly done some faux pax in their eyes, don't know what, but I miss that I can't just speak to them, so when the black dog bites I'd have spoken to them, but can't .

Neighbour tonight had a go at me for some minor thing I've been trying to sort, her fault it's not been sorted long before now, and they had taken us to mediation, but mediation must have passed in my number, and tonight despite me trying to explain things . I've told her not to call me again. Words were exchanged , oh I add she yelled more than me yelling at her. But it put me in a bad place.

I feel I'm one step forward and two back.

I'm back as of the 6th Oct to not just hospital but three. Western on the 6th, for a colongraphy :-( the medicine the day before is worse than procedure. 

Gynae/Ocology in the RIE on the Tuesday .

Back to Western on the 8th for my Transfusion , just a pity that wasn't first, give me energy!

Then I just call the private place as they called when I was away and cell reception was rubbish and now no idea when no 4 appointment will ...

But, omfg, whatever I did in my past life, that makes my karma so shitty in this, it better be good, and if  some one tells me that I look ok etc then I might scream, if I didn't have my Canadian friend here, I'd have gone into hibernation.

Moods And that there dam black dog

I think I have had more mood swings this weekend that I did when I had hormones!

I can joke about it at this time of night, but if you'd spoken to me an hour ago , I doubt I'd have been very jovial.

Makes me wonder what later tonight will bring or tomorrow.

I am busy, but, not busy for me. 

So there is no fun intended for the day, I'm hoping I might get some enjoyment from it, but that wee black dug is nipping at my heels stating, dinnae be daft hen, all bad... As Fraser used to say on Dad's Army; We're all doomed!

Oh if you are wondering, nothing, I mean nothing was a catalyst  for the mood swing.

Well, let's put it another way, nothing I can think of was the catalyst for the mood swing.

Maybe I should take a quote from Peter Capaldi's Dr Who first outing :  

Barney: What devilry is this, sir?

The Doctor: I don't know. But I probably blame the English.

ThenBlack Dog

I was mortified like the majority of folk when Robin Williams took his life.

The last picture of him with a fan , he didn't look right, and he was within a facility that was to help him.

It transpires he had just been diagnosed with Parkinson's , maybe he decided that life would have no meaning once it took hold or he didn't want to be a burden or something.

How can any of us really understand what was going through his mind when he decided it was time he  left us.

Can any one understand what goes on in the heads of people who suffer from depression?

I can't see how anyone says they can, even someone that suffers .

We all have our own triggers.

I'd hate to think mine would make me take my life , but I do know how easy it is to be visited by the black dog for no reason and it hangs about for a while or a short time.

I've medication to help me, can't survive without it, believe you me I've tried.

But, it doesn't always keep the black dog at bay.

I don't want anyone to tell me they understand, I just want friends to see the signs and just offer support.

I hope now that Mork has gone home to his home planet, he's lost his demons. He's happy and that his family remember Robin Williams as a talented talented man who would have loved them dearly, despite the way his life ended.

Nanu Nanu. 

How I remembered driving routes!

Drive isn't Fancy having this as your view from your sitting room window! Fantastic. 

Diller ( Phyllis) and Michael ( Crawford)

Dempsey and Makepiece ( you've to be of a certain age, lol ) Mountain Man....

Easy, they are Scottish!

Rory ( Underwood, played rugby for England back in the day, was cute!)

I always expected a bear or something to pop out the trees!

I needed word association to remember any route I drove and I always got son to drive me places once. I thought if I did that, it was one less thing to panic about driving in Vancouver & taking baba to day care twice a week! Took me weeks to get brave to drive across Lions Gate Bridge!

Heavens to Betsy

It's nearly a year since I've blogged.

Not like nowt has happened in my life , but because it has been.

Big Cancer op was in December.

Was meant to be keyhole, wasn't .... Well he started off as keyhole , and then I started to bleed out.

So I've wonderful scars. 

Also I lost half my body's supply of blood and needed a few transfusions.

I watched folk come into the ward and have same op as me and get home in 36 hours and here's me still in a week later. But, then I wasn't getting cabin fever , which isn't like me!

Can't say I enjoyed the food etc as it was dire, but , no energy to care where I was.

So I conceded I was ill.

It's been a long time recovery, no driving for 2 months, an infection in , would you believe , a keyhole site! 

Hamaeglobin and iron reserves still not right, so energy levels rubbish, but , I have things to do, but I'm glad it's not commuting to work , I think if I had to go back to work I'd expire! 

Mind you, could be worse.

I have been narked , who me? Lol.

Re all the publicity re breast cancer, I know any cancer is bloody awful, but , for some reason , breast gets all the publicity etc.  I was informed it's a sexy cancer.... Eh? How the hell can you sex up cancer? But, I kind of think I know what they mean. Angelina Jolie, at forefront, so it gets the celebrity status. But the likes of mine and other ones don't. Mine did , back in the day with Jade Goody dying so young with cervical, but , time passes and folk forget.

It's been a hobby of mine since mine was found to nag as many females as possible re Pap tests .

I've always went for mine, so I was lucky that it was all picked up. If I didn't go, who knows what state the cells would have been and where it might have spread.

Yet if you are under 25 and over 60 you need to ask to have one , and I think it's pretty disgusting.

Even for breast cancer, over a certain age you need to ask.

Don't they think you don't get cancer over a certain age? Good grief.

I'm back next month for a biopsy :-/ so not looking forward to that.

But in the bright side, May sees me flying off to Vancouver, unless , I'm told otherwise.

Baba no 2 arriving there, and baba California arrived on St Patricks , so I've reasons I need to go.

I've a two year old who needs me to take him to Canada Day, and also Pride, so he grows up thinking it's all normal regardless .

Life, but not as we know it Jim.

I came to the conclusion the other day, that, when I was a snotty teen, I didn't envisage me at my age with the life I have.

I had believed I had a charmed life, I could do what I wished, and all that rubbish.

Life over the years has been throwing some hell off a curve balls.

I got myself upset yesterday, as I had a medical, and I was asked a load of questions, and I counteracted, oi seriously do you think I thought I'd be like this at my age? Get a grip!

Why do people who don't know you make assumptions?

No I thought at my age I would have had a wonderful career ( when I was 13 I wanted to be a Doctor) and children and of course a wonderful social life.

Aye right, not kind of worked that way.

2013 hasn't half thrown some curve balls.

Mother's passing, annoying sister, being medically retired, and children away from home. The Doctor yesterday, went :" who makes up your household?" Me, cats and dog. Probably not what he was expecting. 

This week has been one of the few good ones in 2013.

And also one of the busiest.

I've actually enjoyed being a taxi for a friend, doubt she believes me,but it gets me out if the house.

Met a friend and their son,and it was just a fantastic evening, laughing and having dinner, looking at daft acts in the fringe. Lets say the Craic was fab, and I would love to repeat that often, should be prescribed on the nhs!

Then Tuesday out to Fife to see another friend.

( Craic was good too but, Monday wins!)

And now I feel kind of flat. Might be why yesterday when being given the 3 rd degree re health, I felt I could scream and cry.

And it's all building up to next week when I head back to hospital so they can remove more bad cells.

I must try and think of positives more rather than the yuck.

Sunshine

It's been weird tat the last few days we have had sunshine. Ok I know it's weird that we HAVE sun but its the difference it makes to everything.

Small things I've noticed.

Especially for me.

I can sit in the garden and read and just chill.

Why might you ask is that weird?

Simple.

Mother isn't with me, she isn't trying to escape when she knows you are distracted.

 So simply I couldn't just sit outside in our garden, unless she was in daycare.

I've enjoyed that small luxury, it's not the ability to go out with the dog and go places when the sun shines, as I'd have put mother into car and she would have been wheeled round North Berwick etc with us, so that's no different or she would be in day care and we could wave her off, go place s and be home as she arrived home. So no difference there.

To me it's weird that I can sit in our messy garden with the cats and dog and just chill.

Small things please some of us!