I've decided I need to win the lotto, a decent win.
Now I am not being selfish and keeping it all to myself. ( NO I AM NOT!)
I have children to assist, close family to assist and a few friends I have decided need my help.
It could be that I treat them to a year's salary, or help pay off their mortgage, or treat to them to one heck of a holiday, all expenses paid.
Something to say thanks for being there for me.
I also would love to give up work, having been in the same job for 18 years I am now jaded.
I want to re invent myself before coming a Grandmother.
Most of all I want to go live in Vancouver. North Shore, nowt fancy.
Not next door to the kids, but close enough to the extended family out there.
If the lotto win meant I couldn't do the things in paragraph one then enough to get me, the dog, kitties across to North Van in a nice wee 2-3 bed house in the area I love would do me.
I've decided that as my mind switches its rotten switch to dark mode, life sucks I need something and a lotto win would be nice ;-) ( so would having Gerard Butler roll up and saying I'm his soul mate).
I'm sick of putting other people first, seriously, got narked yesterday when I realised I was doing this yet again. It was something that shouldn't have been like that, should have been equal etc and here's me at 1pm stating ' oh well, I am thinking whats best for YOU.' Yeah right, its not me being selfish its the other people involved.
Do I tell them?
Clear the air and be done?
Will they take offence?
But, there's me again thinking ohhhh mustn't upset folk.URGH!
When they can quite clearly be able to have me on the periphery of their lives until it suits to let me in, or they need me for something.
Its not what I value as a worthwhile friendship. Its not a worthwhile anything really.
Maybe I shouldn't judge people by my standards of friendship, mine are a lot higher.
But just every now and again I want to be selfish, I want it to be about me and instead of feeling dark I am being jovial ?
It might be the Januray blues, might be anything, well we know work is... but mind set is off.
Do strokes leave you bi polar?
Beginning to feel I am, .......
I really do not like this time of year and I do feel it causes us to,as well as feeling down, ro think a bit too deeply at times.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I think that you are saying what you are thinking re your friends, ie the 'I must not upset them' attitude, 'what' best for them', but as they are apparently not even considering you....why not try k=just saying back to them ' understand, but not convenient for me at the moment' and just see what happens? Or, like me try to avoid confrontation? Then the more you make yourself always available, the more it is expected and taken for granted. You should try to put your needs first some of the time, choose your moment and say 'no'. If they wont consider you, try considering you, yourself xxxxxx You know your worth it xx