After reading someone else's blog that prompted me to start filling my one up again. Well I knew it had been some time since I'd written anything but hadn't thought the length of gaps had been. Considered after reading in the paper that you should write down good things that happen to you every day and at 8am yesterday I thought that's what I will do with the blog, then thought, hold on a wee moment there won't be something every day!
See that 10 I scored in neurology .....
But one thing I agreed on when I read @mugpi's blog is I agreed with a lot he said!
Now I add I don't normally disagree with with blogs I read, as its blogs I want to read!
But, he put into words certain things I have felt recently, hell knows if to do with what's been wrong with me but I've certainly sounded out stuff to GP & to a friend, especially when I've ranted on about being a '10'!
One of the things was why am I still here? Why haven't I filled out those forms and started moving to Canada to join no 2 son? Been saying it for 3 years, first of all excuse was my beloved woof who had cancer and I couldn't move him, he passed over and then I got the new woof! But I did get him a passport etc so he's good to go. But didn't, thought I'd wait till I went last summer to see if I still liked the place etc. Had a bad first 10 days and thought no way no how would I move as I'd spend more time on my own than I did here and at least here I can pick up the phone and bitch to someone.
Then I had a great last 10days and started my own circle of friends, so moving wouldn't be that bad.
But what roots me to here, mother I suppose, she once told me just before the dementia kicked in, that I had a misguided conscience and I didn't need to stay with her as I thought it the right thing to do! Now she doesn't know who the hell I am, and 3 other siblings could take their turn a wee bit more, OK granted brother really can't health wise but the others could step up and she wouldn't know if I was here or not I am just some random person mother threatens every so often or tries to hit or bite.
So why am I still here? I did have a mild panic about stroke not allowing me to go but I don't think that does, its me that's stopping me, this misguided loyalty and promise I made when I was 8 that I'd look after her and a neighbour in their old age. I add the neighbour died by the time I was 12 as she had an accident but, a promise was a promise to my subconscious it seems!
Another thing that resonated with me was friends. I've been off work for 2 months.
Things are settling down and I have visions of me going back in February. My colleague who likes to make a show of being my friend, has sent me 2 texts and 1 e mail. Both times she says she's missing me and can't wait till I get back. But has she phoned? Has she kept properly in touch? NO!
In fact I feel I've got a bunch of fair weather friends, and though I've known 1 since I was 7, when I went to visit her ( felt I needed to see her before Christmas as she was going to be on her own -- her choice this year I should ) and she made me feel small ( my own fault for not answering back) and pontificated on everything including what i should look like as I'd had a stroke!
Another who I've been friends with since Uni and whom I've shared a bedroom with on numerous holidays has hardly been in touch including the 2 weeks he'd off over the festive period, I had asked if he was doing anything with his OH etc and suggested a coffee out or a lunch etc and was ignored. I'd been better asking his OH if he wanted to meet up as he'd have probably said yes!
OK I DID turn down a coffee meet from a work colleague ( not the one who misses me!) as I felt this one was sent on a mission to 'fish', see how ill she is etc. And I couldn't be doing with that kind of visit.
I've had one friend who has called on a regular basis to check up on me, which has been nice but I've felt isolated at times.
Also someone I'd met through Twitter has been a great friend, we met ages ago just after B died and then meet every so often for coffee and between her and another friend they have helped a lot & we've sat and enjoyed a natter. So does years of knowing someone count in making them a good friend?
Which made me take out my psychologists hat and dust it off and think, why those that have isolated me. Is it because I am not much older or even slightly younger than them and I've had a stroke,makes them think of their own mortality?
Who knows, but I decided not making the effort they know where I am.
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